I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize