she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's shark week go big or go home
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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