Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
