Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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