I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
