I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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