Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
