Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
