I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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