i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
