Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This is my gift to your gina
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
