you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
