I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
