sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
