i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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