dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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