i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
