We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
