I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
