my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize