wrigley field is MILF paradise
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
