The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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