I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
