Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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