I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
