Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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