Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
