508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
