The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
