Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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