Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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