You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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