So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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