Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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