you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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