Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've blown a few things in my day
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
