After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
