Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
