I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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