If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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