Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
