The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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