In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
