Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
