The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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