be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
