I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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