Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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