How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
