HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
