Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
