just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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