he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
