did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
