i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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