I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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