Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
