Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize