I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
