Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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