I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
