take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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