Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
