Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
