What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize