I accidentally burped into my bong.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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