my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
