sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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