the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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