sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Say something about gay babies.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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